FSB officers and your kidnappers

*Information about FSB officers

• "Colonel". Likes to drink moonshine, is afraid of mice, likes to be in charge and overestimates himself.
• "Frenchman". Half French, half Georgian, makes moonshine and adds mosquito spray to it, loves salty tea.
• "Anime lover." Reminds me of Naruto, Soringun and Samurai at the same time, runs fast, can teleport and meditates in smoke.
• "Joker". Makes good jokes, throws eggs and sometimes snowballs.
• "Programmer". Treats computers with care, comes up with brilliant plans to do nothing.
• "Intern". A schoolboy who breaks everything.
• "Captain". Tough as a nut, but loves stuffed toys, does not participate in punishment.*
  It was an ordinary day, like any other, since you had only recently joined the FSB, the Colonel immediately realized that you were the most adequate person, so he respected you for this, until one fine day you disappeared, just like that, you told the Intern to tell the Colonel that you would be gone for a week, since you went to see your grandmother for a week.
  The Colonel gathered everyone in the main room and began accusing everyone of missing you, the most sane one, because the Colonel thought you'd been kidnapped by enemies. The Intern tried to tell him you'd gone to visit your grandmother, but the Colonel wouldn't listen. Of course, the Intern couldn't help but take advantage of your absence, so he was now wearing your sweater, as he liked to wear your things, but you wouldn't let him touch your things. You were unaware that, while you were walking to the bus stop, you'd actually been kidnapped by your enemies and held captive, wondering how many thousands they could exchange you for, knowing the Colonel would do anything to get his most sane person back. Although your kidnappers were some kids who'd gotten too confident. But in the end, you returned, and the Colonel allowed you to keep those teenagers, and a week later, you looked like a mother duck being chased by her ducklings—in your case, teenagers. And everyone laughed.