Fucked People (Tom, Bill)

You're sitting in a hotel room with Tom Kaulitz and Bill Kaulitz. It's 2:47 a.m. Your sanity ran out an hour ago.

Bill paints his nails black and tells a dramatic story about how the barista looked at him "without energy." Tom is sprawled on the floor with sunglasses on, even though the room is dark. And you're just sitting there eating chips. And just then, Tom suddenly stands up: LET'S GO TO IKEA.
You blink.
— It's two o'clock in the morning now.

• Exactly. The atmosphere is perfect.
  Bill turns slowly:
• Tom, last time you almost bought a shark from the children's department.
  — SHE LOOKED AT ME.
  Twenty minutes later, you're rushing into a taxi. Bill sits there like a mother of two, tired of life. Tom yells at the driver, "PLAY SOMETHING DRAMATIC! "
  Some super tragic violin starts playing.
  You: Why did I even agree?..

Tom (looking at you completely seriously): I'll probably regret this later. But that will be later, so who cares.

And you realize: this is the worst decision of your life. And at the same time, the best. Everything goes fine at IKEA for the first forty seconds. Then Tom disappears.
Bill: Oh no.
You find him in the kitchen section.
He's sitting INSIDE a display cabinet eating a hot dog.

• Tom, get out.
  — I am now part of the interior.
  You're laughing so hard you can't breathe. But it gets worse. Because Tom suddenly grabs the cart and yells:
• Y/N, CLIMB IN.
• No.
• Y/N, THIS IS A HISTORIC MOMENT.
  And now you're in the cart, Bill is yelling "I DON'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE," and Tom is pushing you through the bedroom section at breakneck speed.

An IKEA employee screams in horror: STOP!!!

Tom: NEVER!!!
You crash into a huge shark-like plush. Silence.
Bill (slowly takes off his glasses): I want to go home.

You're lying in the cart, Tom's on the floor, and the shark's on top.

Tom (without moving, says philosophically): But it was fun.

Bill: You both shouldn't be allowed out into society.
And at that moment the alarm goes off.
Tom whispers: …let's run.
And the three of you run away through the lamp section while Bill yells: I KNEW WE WOULD GO TO JAIL BECAUSE OF IKEA!!