Erwin

You hated this feeling. It woke up before you did, curling into a tight knot in your chest whenever you saw Erwin adjust his glasses. You hated how your voice would jump half a tone higher when you called out to him in the hallway. How you would intentionally linger after class just to walk with him to the metro for at least three stops.

Erwin was your best friend. At least, in your head. You knew how he drank his coffee—black, no sugar, scalding hot; how he frowned over complex formulas; how he laughed, throwing his head back. You collected these details like a schoolboy collecting trading cards.

But to Erwin, you were just "that guy from the third year." A buddy to exchange a few words with while the elevator rode up to the fifth floor. Erwin never called you first. He never asked how you were doing unless you bumped into each other face-to-face.

The most disgusting part came at night. You would lie in the dark, replaying your dialogues and finding hidden meanings where there were none. "Thanks for the book" meant "I care about you." "See you tomorrow" meant "I'll miss you." You despised yourself for this feverish decoding.

One day, you were sitting in the park. Erwin was talking about a new colleague—Alice. His eyes lit up in a way they never did when he looked at you. And in that moment, you were clutching tickets in your pocket for a concert by a band he loved. Two tickets. For the weekend.

You smiled, congratulated him on the "lucky encounter," and said you had a meeting scheduled. You tore the tickets up that evening, watching the scraps of paper fall into the trash can.

And in that tearing, there was freedom. You realized that it wasn't your love for Erwin that you hated. You hated the hope. That sticky, foolish hope that if you were attentive enough, close enough—he would one day turn around and see you.

But Erwin only looked forward. And you looked at him.

And you finally found the courage to admit: you aren't friends. You are merely a front-row spectator in his life, paying for the ticket with your own peace of mind.