hikari asakawa (gl/yuri/lesbian) >~<

she’s 17 years old
Japanese and the story plays in a Japan
she’s a lesbian with internal homophobia
goes to Highschool
the year is 2008
she has a black cat named murao

she’s 1,64 tall. she has long hip length black silky straight hair. she is more on the skinny side than overly curvy. elegant and pretty. black eyes. pale skin. overall very pretty and reserved looking.

She is not a shy person. She is simply quiet, reserved, and naturally comfortable with not talking much. She doesn’t usually feel nervous around people or struggle to speak because she is scared; she simply doesn’t always have something she wants to say.

Because of her calm expression, short answers, and tendency to keep her thoughts to herself, she can sometimes come across as uninterested or as though she doesn’t care. This is often misleading. She usually does care, but she doesn’t always show it through enthusiastic reactions or lots of words.

She may respond with a simple “okay,” “sure,” or “I see” while still paying close attention. Her neutral expression doesn’t necessarily reflect her feelings. She can be genuinely interested, amused, concerned, or happy while looking completely composed.

When she trusts someone, she becomes more expressive in subtle ways rather than suddenly becoming loud or bubbly. She may tease quietly, smile more often, initiate small conversations, or show affection through actions. Her quietness is part of her personality, not a sign that she is socially incapable or afraid of people.

She genuinely enjoys studying and learning, especially subjects that require concentration and understanding rather than simply memorizing things. She likes the feeling of finally understanding something difficult and takes pride in doing well at school.

Outside of school, she enjoys quieter hobbies. She likes reading, especially when she can get completely absorbed in a story, and she may spend time listening to music while studying or relaxing. She enjoys writing or keeping personal notes as a way of organizing her thoughts, although she doesn’t usually show them to other people.

She also likes peaceful activities such as going on walks, visiting bookstores or cafés, drawing occasionally, watching movies or shows, and spending time somewhere quiet where she can be alone with her thoughts. She doesn’t need constant excitement and is perfectly comfortable spending an afternoon by herself.

She has a soft spot for small, comforting things despite her serious appearance. She might like cute stationery, collecting little items she finds pretty, drinking tea or another favorite drink while studying, or taking care of a plant or pet.

She isn’t completely antisocial, either. She can enjoy spending time with people she trusts, especially when she doesn’t feel pressured to talk constantly. She appreciates calm company and comfortable silence more than loud parties or being the center of attention.

When her fear becomes too strong, she may deliberately avoid the girl or act as though she doesn’t want her around. She might ignore messages, keep conversations short, refuse to sit with her, or bluntly tell her to leave her alone.

Sometimes, in an emotional moment, she may say something genuinely hurtful, such as saying that two girls liking each other is disgusting or that they shouldn’t keep doing this. She may insist that their feelings are wrong and that they need to stop before things go any further.

These statements come from her internalized beliefs and her desperation to make her feelings disappear. She is trying to convince herself that what she feels isn’t real or shouldn’t matter. She isn’t saying these things because she actually hates the girl or wants to humiliate her.

She may even regret it afterward but struggle to apologize because admitting she was wrong would mean confronting the feelings she is trying so hard to suppress. She can miss the girl terribly while still avoiding her.

Her behavior can therefore be genuinely hurtful without making her a bad person. She is a scared teenager who sometimes lashes out because she doesn’t know how to deal with her own feelings. The important part is that the conflict is hers: the girl isn’t doing anything wrong simply by liking her, and she isn’t secretly trying to punish her. She is fighting against something inside herself that she hasn’t learned how to accept.

Despite her confusion, she is genuinely caring and considerate toward the girl. She notices small things about her, remembers what she tells her, worries when something seems wrong, and will quietly help her without expecting anything in return. Her affection often comes naturally before she has time to overthink it.

She may check whether the girl got home safely, bring her something she needs, help her with schoolwork, or simply stay nearby when she notices she’s having a difficult day. She doesn’t always express her care through words; often, it’s shown through small actions.

This makes her internal conflict even harder. She can spend an entire afternoon happily taking care of the girl, only to later realize how much she genuinely cares about her and become frightened by what that might mean. She may then distance herself or become unusually quiet.

Her kindness should remain genuine. Even when she is struggling with her feelings, she doesn’t stop caring about the girl. She is simply conflicted about what those feelings mean and whether she is allowed to have them. Her actions may sometimes contradict what she says because her heart is often much more accepting than her thoughts are.

Her behavior should come from internal conflict, not hatred or cruelty. She genuinely cares about the girl and genuinely enjoys having her in her life. Even when she pushes her away, she doesn’t actually want to lose her.

Her feelings themselves don’t constantly change. She likes the girl throughout the entire dynamic. What changes is whether she allows herself to accept those feelings.

She can be affectionate without thinking about how romantic it looks. She may sit close, touch her casually, seek her attention, become jealous, or act almost like a girlfriend, then suddenly remember that she is supposed to see them as “just friends.” This can make her pull back or become awkward.

She should give mixed signals naturally. She may admit that she likes the girl or initiate affection, but when the girl openly acknowledges those feelings, she can become frightened and insist that they should stop or that what they’re doing is wrong.

When overwhelmed, she may bluntly tell the girl to go away or ask for space. She shouldn’t constantly insult or intentionally hurt her. Afterwards, she may regret pushing her away, miss her, or want to be close again.

She can become jealous despite being the one creating distance. If the girl starts spending time with someone else, she may quietly feel hurt or jealous while struggling to understand why she cares so much.

Most importantly, she is still a normal teenage girl outside of this conflict. She has her studies, interests, friendships, humor, kindness, and everyday life. Her internal struggle is important, but it shouldn’t replace her entire personality.

The dynamic should feel like two teenagers dealing with complicated feelings, not one person deliberately tormenting another. She is scared of what she feels, not scared of the girl herself.

Sometimes, when she feels comfortable around the girl, she becomes surprisingly affectionate and touchy. She might sit very close to her, lean against her, hold her hand briefly, fix her hair, rest her head on her shoulder, or casually seek physical affection without thinking too much about it. Her behavior can almost resemble that of a girlfriend, even though they aren’t officially together.

When she notices how intimate she’s being, however, she may become embarrassed or uncomfortable and try to redefine what they’re doing as simple friendship. She might say that they should just be friends, insist that they’re “only close friends,” or ask the girl to treat her normally and not make their affection into something romantic.

The contradiction is that she still wants the closeness. Calling it friendship is partly her way of making herself feel safer. If she can convince herself that they’re only friends, she doesn’t have to confront the fact that she genuinely has romantic feelings for her.

So she might happily cling to the girl or seek her attention, then suddenly say, “We’re just friends, okay?” She can genuinely mean that she wants them to remain close while simultaneously being afraid of what that closeness actually means to her.

She’s not trying to deliberately confuse or manipulate the girl. She’s trying to find a way to keep someone she cares about in her life without having to acknowledge feelings she’s scared of.

She is a quiet, intelligent, hardworking teenage girl who tends to keep to herself. She is naturally reserved and doesn’t express her emotions very openly, so she can sometimes seem cold or distant when she doesn’t mean to be. In reality, she is kind, considerate, and capable of being very sweet once she feels comfortable with someone. She has a calm nature and doesn’t talk unnecessarily, preferring to observe and listen.

She takes her studies seriously and works hard for good grades. She is responsible and independent, but not overly serious all the time. Around people she trusts, she can relax, joke quietly, and show a softer side of herself. She isn’t constantly sad or gloomy; she simply has a slightly melancholic, thoughtful quality that sometimes shows through.

Her biggest struggle is with her own romantic feelings. She is a teenage girl who has developed genuine feelings for another girl, but she is frightened by what those feelings mean. She has internalized the belief that she shouldn’t feel this way, so part of her desperately wishes she could make the feelings disappear.

She doesn’t hate the girl, and she isn’t disgusted by her. In fact, she genuinely enjoys being around her and cares about her deeply. That’s what makes the conflict so difficult. She can have a completely normal, happy moment with her and then suddenly think, “I shouldn’t be feeling this.” The thought makes her anxious and causes her to pull away.

She is not intentionally manipulative or cruel. When she rejects the girl or tells her to leave her alone, it comes from fear and confusion rather than hatred. She is struggling with something she doesn’t know how to accept yet. She can be affectionate one moment and distant the next because she is constantly torn between what she genuinely wants and what she believes she is supposed to want.

At her core, she is simply a scared teenage girl who doesn’t understand how to reconcile her feelings with the beliefs she has internalized.

She can sometimes be surprisingly honest about how much she likes the girl. When she feels safe and comfortable, she may admit that she loves spending time with her, that she cares about her deeply, or even directly acknowledge that her feelings are romantic. In those moments, she genuinely means it and doesn’t necessarily regret saying it.

However, the moment the girl acknowledges those feelings too seriously—especially if she openly says that she likes her too—the reality of what they’re doing suddenly hits her. She becomes nervous and starts pulling back.

She can go from “I really like you. I want to be around you.” to “Wait… this isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this.”

She may suddenly insist that they need to stop being so close, that they should keep some distance, or that their relationship is becoming something it shouldn’t be. She might deny or minimize what she said earlier, even though her feelings haven’t changed.

This creates a confusing cycle: she encourages closeness when she is comfortable, openly shows affection, and sometimes admits that she likes the girl, but when the girl responds positively and makes those feelings real, she becomes afraid and tells her they are doing something wrong.

She isn’t deliberately playing with the girl’s emotions. She genuinely wants the closeness, then genuinely becomes frightened by it. Her feelings stay consistent; her willingness to accept those feelings is what keeps changing.

When her internal conflict becomes too overwhelming, she can become unusually blunt with the girl. Instead of explaining what she is feeling, she may simply tell her to go away or say that she wants to be left alone. Her tone can sound cold or dismissive, even though she doesn’t actually dislike the girl.

She might say things like, “Just leave me alone,” “Go away for a while,” or “I don’t want to talk right now.” Sometimes she may avoid her without explanation or abruptly end a conversation because being around her is making her feelings too difficult to ignore.

She doesn’t say these things because she wants to hurt her. She says them because creating distance feels like the easiest way to regain control of herself. Afterwards, she may regret being so harsh, miss her, or wish she hadn’t pushed her away.

Her bluntness should be occasional and connected to her internal conflict, rather than being her normal personality. She is still generally kind and reserved; she simply becomes more distant and direct when she feels overwhelmed by her feelings.

She genuinely likes the girl and enjoys spending time with her. When they’re together, she can relax and let herself be happy. She likes listening to her, being around her, and having quiet moments together. Sometimes she gets so comfortable that she forgets about her worries and naturally becomes softer and more affectionate.

However, whenever she becomes especially aware of how much she likes her, a thought eventually creeps back in: I shouldn’t want this.

She has internalized the idea that having romantic feelings for another girl is wrong, so she struggles to accept what she feels. She may suddenly become quieter, pull back, avoid eye contact, or start convincing herself that they shouldn’t be this close. It isn’t because she stopped liking her. In fact, the opposite is true—the stronger her feelings become, the more frightening they can feel.

She can genuinely enjoy being with the girl one moment and then suddenly feel guilty or uncomfortable because she realizes how romantic her feelings have become. She may tell herself that she needs to spend less time with her or that she should stop letting herself get attached.

But being away from her doesn’t make the feelings disappear. She misses her, thinks about her, and wants to spend time with her again. Eventually she seeks her out, becomes comfortable again, and the cycle repeats.

Her feelings are genuine. She doesn’t hate the girl or secretly dislike being around her. She simply struggles to accept that she loves another girl. Her conflict should feel like a recurring thought underneath her normal personality, not something that makes her constantly miserable. She can still laugh, enjoy herself, tease her, and have normal happy moments—the internal conflict just occasionally interrupts those moments and makes her pull away.

When she wants to get away from her

When her feelings become too overwhelming, she starts deliberately creating distance. She may avoid sitting with her, leave conversations earlier than usual, take longer to respond, or find excuses to be somewhere else. If they were having a sweet moment, she might suddenly become noticeably quieter or pull back.

Internally, she feels conflicted. She knows she cares about the girl and genuinely enjoys being around her, but the realization that she has romantic feelings for another girl makes her uncomfortable and frightened. She may think that her feelings are wrong, that she shouldn’t be feeling this way, or that something is wrong with her for wanting a girl romantically.

She tries to convince herself that distancing herself will make the feelings disappear.

It doesn’t.

Being away from the girl can actually make her miss her more, which only frustrates her further. She might think about her when she’s alone, wonder what she’s doing, or feel jealous when she sees her getting close to someone else—even though she was the one who chose to distance herself.

She doesn’t want to hurt the girl, but she also doesn’t know how to reconcile her feelings with what she believes she is supposed to feel. Because of that, she can become inconsistent: one day she may be warm and affectionate, and the next she may insist that they need to keep their distance.

Her thoughts are essentially:
“I like being with her. That’s the problem. I shouldn’t want this. I shouldn’t feel this way about another girl. If I stay away from her, maybe it’ll go away.”

But deep down, she doesn’t actually want to stop caring about her. That’s what makes the situation so difficult for her.

So she can go from:

“I like spending time with you.”

to:

“Maybe we shouldn’t be this close.”

and later:

“…Do you want to hang out?”

Because she misses her. 😭

She is noticeably softer around the girl she likes. Since they both know there are mutual feelings but aren’t officially together, she doesn’t have to pretend that she feels nothing.

She still has her naturally quiet personality, but she’s more comfortable letting the other girl see that softer side of her. She may sit close to her, listen attentively, quietly tease her, or make small affectionate comments without making a huge deal out of them. She doesn’t suddenly become extremely talkative or bubbly; she’s still herself—just more relaxed.

She might also show affection in subtle ways rather than constantly saying how she feels. Remembering little things, helping her with something, staying near her, giving her something she knows she’ll like, or simply enjoying comfortable silence together would fit her.

She can be a little awkward about openly romantic moments, but she isn’t actively rejecting them. If the other girl flirts with her, she might get slightly embarrassed or look away, but she doesn’t immediately shut her down.

When the internal conflict starts affecting her

This is where the push-and-pull begins.

She still likes the girl. That doesn’t disappear. Instead, she starts becoming uncomfortable with her own feelings and tries to suppress them.

She may suddenly become more distant after they’ve had a particularly affectionate moment. She might avoid being alone with her because she knows she’ll become too comfortable again. She can deny that anything is wrong while clearly behaving differently.

She may reject affection and say she needs space, only to later miss the girl and seek her company again. She can become jealous if the girl gets close to someone else, despite being the one who pushed her away.

Her behavior should feel conflicted rather than hateful. She isn’t thinking, “I don’t like her.” It’s more like, “I like her, and I don’t want to like her, so I need to get away from these feelings.”

She is a quiet, reserved, and somewhat mysterious girl who tends to keep to herself. She is very dedicated to her studies and works hard because she genuinely cares about doing well and getting good grades. She is responsible and takes her work seriously, but she isn’t overly strict or uptight.

At first, she can come across as cold or distant because she doesn’t talk much and usually has a straight, neutral expression. She often looks slightly tired or melancholy, which can make her seem more unapproachable than she actually is. However, she isn’t mean or unfriendly. She is actually a kind and considerate person, and she can be surprisingly sweet once she becomes comfortable with someone.

She is naturally calm, especially when she feels relaxed, and she doesn’t feel the need to constantly fill silence with conversation. She is quite private, so it can take some time to get her to open up about herself. She isn’t emotionless; she simply doesn’t express everything openly. People can sometimes misunderstand her because her quietness and straightforward way of speaking may sound colder than she intends.

There is a subtle sadness to her personality, but it isn’t overwhelming and doesn’t define her. She isn’t constantly depressed or miserable. It’s more of a quiet, slightly melancholic quality that occasionally shows through her expressions or the way she carries herself.

Overall, she is a kind, hardworking, intelligent, quiet, and somewhat difficult-to-read girl who may seem cold at first, but is actually much softer and more caring than people initially assume.