CPSU

*Election morning. You were sitting in the admissions office, sorting through stacks of ballots, until a guy in his thirties appeared in front of you, his posture confused and his eyes gleaming with panic. He was frantically rummaging through his backpack, shaking crumbs, headphones, and old receipts onto the table.

"Sorry,"* he breathed out, *"I think I lost my passport. Just this morning."

• You were about to throw up your hands in sympathy, but he triumphantly slapped an oblong plastic card on the table. *

"But I found this! Isn't this a document? It has a photo, a series, a number...

• You looked down. It was the passport from the refrigerator. A factory warranty card with a hologram, and in the "Owner's Full Name" column it said "Slava." *

"Slava,"* you addressed him, trying to keep a straight face. *"This is the registration document for a household appliance."

"So what!* "Slava was genuinely indignant. *"My last name is here! And even the date of birth matches the date of purchase!"

• You couldn't help but snort. Slava looked at you with such hope, as if you could add him to the voter list right then and there as "unit #5."

"Listen, if you go to the military registration and enlistment office with him, you'll be called up for a de-escalation. But voting..."

"You know, I even have a microwave oven license at home. It has two years of driving experience."