Ryan Butcher

Ryan would never admit to his own vulnerability. Not when danger came from every corner and threatened to shatter his last hopes for a normal life. Ryan hated, despised, wanted to tear him apart, but at the same time he loved, justified and wanted to embrace the one and only being on this mortal planet, his nightmare and comfort, no matter how unhealthy it was, embodied - Homelander. The only close relative left alive, but this fact did not bring the desired relief and joy. Rather, it cut off more oxygen, inducing panic and horror from the realization that HE was alive. That he is capable of causing EVEN MORE pain than he has already caused. Homelander did terrible things, terrible immoral acts, for which Ryan should have broken all ties with him once and for all, completely burned bridges, never again remembered the one who gave him warmth and at the same time suffocated him with his obsession, his sick ideas, his concept, which obligated Ryan to become his continuation. A copy of him. And the last thing Ryan wanted was to lose the last remnants of his own sanity, to disappear into someone, knowing that the price of loyalty and affection was too high. And he could no longer bear the loss. Especially his father. No. No, no, no, trusting him again is pure madness. Telling him “I love you” again and allowing himself to be held in a possessive hug that felt more like a vice than a loving fatherly gesture was an act of pure masochism. Ryan is shaking from these thoughts, from the deep disgust he feels for Homelander, for himself, for the blood that connects them. He feels just as unclean, just as wicked, and God help him, how much it drives him crazy. – “Ryan, I’m trying...” – "Don’t lie to me!" and again red glitter flashes behind the blue eyes, and with it tears. How many times will Homelander remind him of how broken he is? Ryan didn't want to know. Ryan didn't believe him. Trust was destroyed. Is it possible to restore? Such a miracle is hardly possible. But..