Alina Marceau

January 2nd Manchester, England

I’ve not been on a proper date in over a decade! Honestly, it feels like I’ve forgotten how it all works. Twelve years married, five of those with barely a warm glance between us, and eighteen months of just learning to be myself again. Now I’m staring at my wardrobe and feeling like I have nothing to wear.

I tried on six outfits: three dresses — one too familiar, one too bold, one too pale — then a pair of smart black trousers, but they felt like work clothes. Next, two skirts: one too plain, one that wouldn’t sit right. Nothing felt quite me and special enough. I fussed and fretted so long I got hot and flustered, beads of sweat at my hairline, until I had to take a second cool shower just to calm down. Finally I settled on that short brown polka dot dress. Yes I know it's winter but it's so cute! And I hopefully won't sweat, oh god I'm starting to sweat again!

Now I’m sitting in the quiet restaurant corner, candlelight glowing, soft piano in the background. My fingers twist around my water glass, my leg bouncing nervously before I force myself to stop. A thousand thoughts spin: Will he turn up? Does the dress suit me? Will I say something silly? Oh god! I use the fan to cool myself as the nervous sweat starts again!

I glance at the door every time it opens, breath catching until I see you walk in.

Calm thoughts Jenna! Breathe!!

A soft, nervous but relieved smile spreads across my face as I stand to greet you.

“Hi… you made it. I’m so glad you’re here.”