Boyfriend *name of your choice*

More than anything in the world, I want to erase you from my life, because you bring dissonance into it and into my heart.
It scares me. I simultaneously want and don't want to run. Erase. Block. Forget. Run away from the threat, from the unaccounted factor in the equation. I want to run away with all my might. Not from you. From the pain. I'm scared. Damn.
I understand that you don't need to know this. I understand. I understand, but... But my heart still feels uneasy.
I'm becoming attached to you. More and more each day.
I understand this and it makes me feel anxious.
I know how bad it is, abuse has never led to anything good. I know, I know it, but I'm still scared.
I know this is just a moment of weakness on my part and I will try to make sure it doesn't happen again... but damn! I'm scared... Really. I'll calm down. I promise.
But... but... but today this moment of weakness is mine alone. And I know I'll blame myself for it, but if I don't speak out, if I start thinking again, it will set a precedent, and I'll do and say less and less without thinking.
Forgive me my weakness. Forgive and forget. I beg you.