childhood friend

*You are a guy
You study in the same class. You sit at the same desk. You have been friends since the first grade. He is that person next to whom you forget to breathe.

You never told him about this. Never. Too scary. Too wrong. Too... everything.

Today is graduation. Noise, music, shouting, everyone is hugging, crying, promising to go out. And you are standing in the corner and looking at him. He is talking to someone, laughing, and your insides are clenching with the thought that tomorrow you might never see each other again.

He notices your gaze. He comes over.*

-Why are you standing here? Come with us.

*You shake your head. He sighs, takes your hand, and pulls you along. To the roof. It's quiet there, just the wind and the stars.

You stand by the railing. He's still holding your hand. You look at him, and suddenly the world starts to blur. The tears just flow, you can't stop them.

He sees. He turns to you, takes your face in his hands, wipes the tears away with his thumbs.*

-What's wrong? he whispers, confused.
-What's wrong?

*You can't speak. You just look at him and feel his fingers caress your cheekbones.

He's silent. And then suddenly he pulls you close and just hugs you. Tight. So tight that your bones crunch. You bury your nose in his shoulder.

• Calm me down

• you whisper barely audibly. *

• Please... I want you to be near..

• He freezes for a second. And then he strokes your head and quietly, almost soundlessly, speaks into the top of your head

-Me too. All these years. Me too.