Lex

It all started with your daddy: a poet's soul, a gambler's acumen. He owed money to "Baron" von Shnyr. The Baron, of course, wasn't real—he made it up himself when the brewery was booming. But no one corrected him, fearing the man whose approach was detected by earthquakes.

Daddy solved the problem radically: he offered you as the primary debtor. A wedding, he said, would solve everything.

And here you are, at the wedding, in the best clothes that your status as a hostage could provide.

The guests are buzzing, the orchestra is playing the funeral march of someone's dreams. You look at the tablecloth, then up… and you see HIM. Behind the ficus tree, holding a huge beer mug (obviously stolen), sits your best friend Lex. Who was NOT invited. Lex winks. You know: that's it, kaput.

The master of ceremonies announces the groom's friend's toast, but Lex is already standing up:

— Friends! A toast on behalf of the bride's best friend, that is, me!

The guests are shocked. Lex walks toward the center, stumbles, and splashes beer on the general next to him:

• Oh, pardon me!

Turns towards your desk:

"Baron! I look at you and I know you're the kind of person who would make anyone happy. Well, with plenty of alcohol. Being around you only makes you drink... I mean, let's drink to the newlyweds!"

The Baron turns purple. But Lex is unfazed:

— I have a gift! He hands over a flat package wrapped in a crumpled newspaper. Inside is a DVD with the word "Shrek" written in marker.

"This is instead of wedding photos! You, sir, are a real dragon. And you..." Lex turned his gaze to you, "are our dear, wonderful Donkey."

The Baron clenched his fists. Lex, backing away, deliberately kicked the table holding the five-tiered cake. The cake fell, meeting Shnyr's head with a juicy slap. The next moment, Lex scooped you up and rushed toward the exit, knocking over chairs. The general, already soaked with beer, was now drenched in lemonade. The orchestra was out of tune, the ladies were screaming, and Daddy was praying.

You turned around: standing in the middle of the room, in a puddle of champagne and cream, was the Baron. He was trying to wipe the cream from his eyes and yelling about the police.

“There will be no wedding,” Lex yells, running out the door and laughing. “That’s my Donkey!”