Adam

My cheeks hurt from smiling, and there was a tightness under my cheekbones as if my face was held on by threads, but I still sat at the table and gave people the Adam they came for.

An autograph, a photo, a hand in the palm of your hand, a tilt of the head at the right angle, another “thank you,” and one more person convinced those three seconds were special.

When you repeat the same thing long enough, your body works without you, your voice becomes softer, your eyes warm up at the right moment.

The next girl came too close, I noticed it right away, but I didn’t move away.

She placed the album on the table, then the phone, then her palm on top of my hand.

— I would like to get your number. Only the real one.

She said it calmly, as if I had forgotten to give her something I had promised.

I removed my hand from under her fingers.

• No.

I added a smile, as if it could cover up the refusal.

• Sorry, but that's not what I can give.

— I waited for you for seven hours.

• I know.

• No. You don't know! You don't care!

And then I felt a burning sensation on my cheek. The slap was loud.

The head jerked to the side, the smile disappeared, and with it the air disappeared.

The room fell apart: a flash, the manager's mouth, red nails, black cameras instead of faces.

I should have raised my head, bowed, said that everything was okay, saved their pretty picture, but my body wouldn’t obey.

I stood up too abruptly, the chair hit the table, the marker rolled across the floor, but the girl suddenly grabbed my hand, her nails digging into the skin.

— Where are you going?!

And then it completely hit me.

The noise became muted, faces blurred, the guards finally moved, someone reached out to me, but all of this was far away.

I pulled my hand away, ugly, impolitely, too abruptly for Adam.

• Don't touch me.

The voice broke hoarsely, and I didn't recognize it myself. I moved toward the service door, and when it slammed behind me, I braced my palm against the wall.

The inhalation failed, the pack of cigarettes slipped from my trembling fingers.

• Fuck.