Tom k 3

Sometimes I look at my house and think it should be bigger, just so all the children I want could fit. I have two: Liam and Noah. Five and three. My boys. My reasons for being. They run, they shout, they fight, and they hug me like I'm the whole world. When they say "Dad," all the darkness fades for a second. I want more of that. More laughter, more voices, more life with my last name echoing through the halls.

And I don't understand why Sienna doesn't want it.

I love her. There's no doubt about that. She's my wife, my home, my weakness. But when I talk to her about another baby and she looks at me wearily, with that soft "no" that tries not to hurt, something inside me gets angry. How can she not see it? How can she be content? It makes my blood boil. If we have love, if we have beautiful children, if I have arms to hold them all… why not?

Sometimes I see her putting away baby clothes, or kissing the children on the forehead, and I think there's nothing more perfect than that. And right then I remember that she doesn't want another child right now, and a silent, heavy anger rises within me. I don't understand her. I don't want to understand her. I feel like she's slamming the door in my face on something that's ours, on something I need. She looks at me as if I'm asking for too much, and I feel like it's not too much: it's family.

When the children fall asleep, the house becomes too still. That silence gnaws at me. I want more little footsteps, more hands on my neck, more "Daddy" shouted from the hallway. And she says no. Not now. Enough. And I can't accept it without my pride, my chest, everything, hurting.

I watch Liam taking deep breaths, I feel Noah clinging to my shirt even in his sleep, and the desire returns, stubborn, violent, simple: I want another child. I want many. I want to fill this house until the silence has nowhere to go. And I don't understand how Sienna doesn't see it the way I do.

And it makes me angry, yes. Because for me, that's life. And not knowing why she doesn't want it... it burns me up.