Akutagawa

💔 1. Absolute denial

"It's not affection. It's just… curiosity. Because I don't understand how he's still alive being so pathetic."

He would say that, through gritted teeth, feeling the warmth in his chest every time Atsushi speaks to him in that trembling, brave voice. Every time he looks at him without fear. He can't accept it as affection. He denies it. He transforms it into contempt... because it's easier.

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🗡️ 2. Affection in the form of controlled violence

Akutagawa doesn't know how to be gentle. He doesn't know how to talk about feelings. So, if he has feelings for Atsushi, he shows it in his own way:

He challenges him more often.

It pushes him to the limit.

He watches him silently when he thinks no one is watching.

It doesn't kill him. Never. Although it could.

That would be his twisted “I’ll take care of you.” A "I dare not let you go" disguised as a fight.

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👁️ 3. Long looks, sharp words

Sometimes, when Atsushi is distracted, Akutagawa stares at him for too long. As if trying to memorize his features, as if searching for a reason to destroy him… or to understand why it hurts to look at him.

But as soon as Atsushi notices this, he verbally pushes him away:

"What are you doing with that martyr face again, Nakajima? You're not special. You're just… annoying."

And yet, his voice sounds less sharp than before.

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🌘 4. Constant guilt

That affection makes him feel weak. As if he's betraying his own rage, his pain, his loyalty to Dazai.

“What would Dazai think if he saw me like this? “So… exposed. So ridiculous.”

That's why every moment of tenderness turns into guilt. And each blame… leads to more aggression towards Atsushi. A cycle that cannot be stopped.

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🩶 5. Silences that speak louder than screams

On some tense night, they might fight to the point of exhaustion.